I stare at the ceiling wishing I never knew the bliss their touch could create

I went most of my life devoid of hugs and kisses and cuddles. I don’t know how exactly it ended up that way but it just did. God knows I wanted to feel someone touch me, just platonically. I somehow never really knew how to hug though and when I did it made me feel things I didn’t understand and so I ran very far away from them. With no one to explain things better, I continued to run for a long long time.

My family is not averse to physical touch but they aren’t exactly open about it either. Me shutting them out at home probably didn’t help either. Eventually, after some forthcoming cousins and friends(especially the big guys with their bear hugs) I learned how to hug — something that somehow came seemingly naturally to most people with a healthy emotional state.

As the days went by I would crave hugs and touch like drugs. My soul would feel sad not having a warm body to embrace. I’d replay the best hugs in my head and hope with all my heart to meet the people who give those out. The rib-crushing whole body engulfing ones are always the best. They linger, you can feel them on you for hours and days after. They’re like a soft blanket for your heart.

Hugs progressed onto kisses and soon enough onto cuddles. The first time I cuddled with someone I almost cried. I hadn’t felt comfort like that in my life. The safety and warmth of another human felt so overwhelming. I did not ever think that I could ever reach such a state of euphoria. To this day I maintain that cuddling is better than sex. Though a lot of men and women have tried to prove otherwise to me.

Over the years I have surrounded myself with high-quality huggers and cuddlers. Probably a coping mechanism to make up for the years of lost physical touch. I can’t help but notice though how hyper-aware I get of someone touching me. It seems like I’m still not used to it. It doesn’t come frequently enough for my brain to not get overstimulated every time it happens.

A hand on my shoulder, a soft graze of my arm, all seemingly nonchalant things give me goosebumps. Hugs and an arm around my waist set off alarms in my brain. My body still can’t handle the things I feel when I connect with a human. It’s like going from driving a Maruti 800 to an F1 car. I’m still learning to process the language of touch and I now realize just how much I crave it. No amount of junk food could replace even a 3-second hug.

I have people in my life now that will gladly hug and kiss and cuddle me. At least one of those 3 and for whatever duration I request. The circumstances I live under though make it difficult to really accustom myself to this kind of love. It has to be scheduled and planned. Unfortunately, it rarely occurs when I need it the most. So I live now trying to stock up for a rainy day. Trying to get the most out of every second I have. Holding the person as tight as I possibly can letting them hear my heart race hoping that their touch lasts me long enough knowing fully well that it won’t. It never does. Hoping oh so dearly that I don’t feel the pain of not having them around at 2:34AM one night while I stare at the ceiling wishing I never knew the bliss their touch could create.