It’s a scary and lonely life we chose when we try to find our grey area
I for one always found it easier to think of the universe as being very black and white. Binary. Yin and yang. Nothing in between. It was convenient and required me to put in less thought at any given moment. I had a rule book society had installed in me which had only two columns — right and wrong. Adulting though gives you a very VERY different perspective of life. It shows you the real world. The world of promiscuous angels and child molesting philanthropists(not that any come to mind at the moment but I’m sure they exist). No living being on this planet can be given a generic label. We are not mass manufactured by robots in a factory. Neither are the things we create. Especially not our personalities, relationships, or art.
The older I grow the more I realize that everything is a grey area. I might date someone exclusively but still have strong feelings of attraction to other men and women. I love my parents and would do anything for them but refuse to disclose intimate details of my life to them or any details really, to be honest. People forgive their abusive parents. People cheat on their loving partners. They kill in the name of religion. They protect in the name of religion. Everything I was taught seems to be so far removed from reality that you have to actively try to become that person in order to be accepted by your tribe. Except, these expectations also change. Two decades ago few men would want a working wife. Why give women financial independence right? Now they expect the women to earn just as much and take their careers seriously otherwise no one takes them seriously.
As a child, I despised my life. Everyone talks about the carefree days of candy and afternoon naps. I only remember feeling out of place and suppressing my every desire and need. I desperately wanted to be an adult. I wanted to have control of 100% of my life. I grew up though and adulting hit me in the face with a huge boulder. Everything is a grey area apparently. There is no fully right and fully wrong. There is nothing that is permanent. There are no guarantees whatso-fucking-ever. Everyone lives in their own individual grey area and if you want to bond with them you have to make your own common grey area. When everything is unfixed and malleable then what exactly are you going to control. Which part of this are you going to chose.
I wake up every day to new realizations. I hate my job. I love the money. I am fit. I like kissing girls. I like lifting weights. I really despise religion(strong words I know but I’m working on it). I don’t know why I worked hard to get good grades. I don’t know why I didn’t work harder at being a better artist. I want to be in a committed loving relationship. I don’t know if I want that with just one person. I want to cuddle. I hate phone calls. Ok enough of that list.
It seems like everyday of adulting is just updating the outdated and unsupported software in your brain(yeah I like geeky jokes get with it already). Except no one tells you where to download the update from. If you do discover where to get it from there are too many subversions to chose from(do I want polyamoury 1.0 or monogamy 5.0? why does boundaries 2.8 come bundled with anxiety 8.5? do I really need investments 3.0 or can I make do with my dad has a guy 2.8.9?). No one gives you instructions on whether to replace the existing version or have it all available to be backward compatible with older generations.
I go for therapy. I surround myself with people whose lives I am inspired by. People who love me the way I want to be loved. People who go into my USB port on the first try(maybe this was about sex maybe it wasn’t. Now you’ll never know). Seems like the more I do the more I uncover about how much there is left to improve. It seems endless and exhausting. It feels like I have so much to do before I can actually live the life I desire. It is some solace that everyone embarking on this journey feels the same way and perhaps that makes sliding into each other’s USB ports a lot easier(this one was definitely about sex). Sigh. As an artist, I am well aware that there are infinite shades of grey. Even if we all share our shades we won’t get close to finding them all. We’ll never be done. It’s intimidating to think of it this way and I have definitely gone down many an infinite loops thinking about this.
I do know though that every day I make fewer decisions that I don’t truly resonate with and more decisions that I am truly happy about. Decisions that are truly mine. They are often messy and rough around the edges but they are from MY soul so I know just how to make to clean them up and smooth out those edges.
It’s a scary and lonely life we chose when we try to find our grey area. It is a life with fewer regrets though. It is a life of lessening fear. Most importantly it is truly your life. Something as unique as the DNA that allows you to walk this giant floating rock. Who are we to deny this world our authentic selves. Would we succeed even if we tried? You can run but you cannot hide.
