My sins have gone too far for them to ever be acceptable.

I didn’t do so many things in my life out of fear. I also did a lot out of fear. Fear of disobeying my parents, fear of being unacceptable to them. So much so that I denied myself all sorts of pleasures and desires. No, not sex. That wasn’t even on the map back then. I’m talking, sleeping in late, reading a book on the couch under a blanket, watching something 18+ on TV(I’m 23 at the moment this has still not changed), or wearing my favorite top at home just because I want to.

I grew up being taught that everything I do has to have a “justified” reason. You’re not allowed to do things because you wanted to. Similarly, you were not allowed to skip out on something that you didn’t want to do. You had to have a 10 slide PPT justifying your actions that needed to be submitted with a written report and after 3–5 business days, the jury would let you know their decision. This toxicity grew as I got older and I avoided socializing or pursuing things that I truly derived happiness from because they could take time away from valuable studying. As my dad said if you don’t study now you’ll become a vegetable seller on the roadside in thippasandra market or if you don’t get placed in the first month of placements all you’ll have left is TCS. Both of these comparisons use extremely derogatory terms and act as if the alternatives are inhumane but that’s a whole rant on its own. Let’s talk about how this is processed in the mind of a young girl who has sparkling eyes and the curiosity of a kitten.

You lose it all! That’s what happens. The sparkle, the curiosity, the cuteness, everything. You just want it to stop. You get into self-defense mode where you’d rather be obedient and submissive than stirring a fight at home. After all, it is your rebellion that broke the peace at home. It is your fault that your parents can no longer sleep at night and why your family can no longer claim the superiority of their genes. Combine the desperation to be obedient, the incapacity to stand up for yourself, and the terror involved in a confrontation, and it becomes a deadly recipe for a terrified and unconfident adult.

This adult though eventually figures out that it is fear of her parents that leads her to dissolve her dreams in her salty tears. I figured out that I can do anything I want as long as my parents don’t find out. I discovered friends I can use as alibis, male friends who will protect me at night and driving so I need not rely on the adultier adults in her house. I knit a web of lies and created a completely different personality involving shorts, no bras, hugging boys, watching porn, sex, and late-night drinks at hard rock cafe. This alternate reality is severely limited by my anxiety about my parents finding out. I rarely enjoy my secret lawlessness.

Sometimes though I am fearless. I tried new things I’ve only ever dreamt about. Falling in love, having a threesome, walking outside at 12 in the night, eating chicken, and going on a date with a girl. This parallel universe is pretty much the only thing that is keeping me going these days. The faith that the portal will open every so often so that I can get a break from my fake real life is what helps me sleep at night even if it is on a pillow soaked in hot eye sweat. Faith and hope stay alive in my heart but I also fear that I have done too much. Too much that I can’t lie about anymore. The invisible barrier between my fake real life and my real secret life might have to be revealed to the world. What if I fall in love with a girl? What if I get pregnant? What if I fall in love with a boy who is anything but brahmin? What if I get sexually assaulted in one of these late-night outs? What if I want to leave everything and move to goa to teach art and yoga on the beach? I can’t betray myself by saying that I don’t want to do all the things in my encrypted notepad document on my computer but I also am way too afraid to uproot my parent’s written in stone beliefs and trust in me. Stuck. Stuck is what I feel most of the time these days. Unable to be truly present or committed in either version of my life. I just float in the ether in between my realities vanishing one cell at a time hoping that one day I’ll need to have only one version of myself. One version that keeps me happy without alienating my family. I have little faith that it’ll happen though. My sins have gone too far for them to ever be acceptable.