Pani puri in the rain

All of us have our versions of what we expect a romantic relationship to be. We want some things and we need some things. I wanted magic and sparks. For my heart to stop when I saw his face. For the orgasms to be earth-shattering. For every picture to be Instagram-worthy. For me to never get angry and for me to never want anyone but him. When someone worthy of my love finally entered my life I realized I had been so so very wrong about what a relationship should be like.

S came into my life on August 1st, 2021. I expected that like most of my bumble dates this would last a few meetings, maybe some would end up in sex but that would be it. Little did I know that my life was about to be transformed. We strung together walks around the lake, sulemani tea at chai point, and pani puri in the rain and made a relationship. This relationship was so good that it was so scary. I couldn’t believe that I had managed to attract someone to whom I didn’t need to explain my life, someone who tries to make me a better person because he thinks I deserve happiness, and someone who chooses to love me despite all my many many faults. I almost sabotaged the best thing that happened to me. I find it terrifying that that almost happened but I am glad it did. It led me to confront my real needs from a partner.

15th April 2022 is the day I spent eating, talking, and napping with S. On that day, almost 9 months into being his girlfriend I realized why I stand by this man and his exorbitant love for french fries. He gives me peace. Peace of mind, soul, body, heart, and brain. He just allows me to be me. Me being myself is enough for him. I can tell him when he angered me and he will work to fix it. I can tell him when he made me happy and he will repeat that action as much as he can. If I tell him what I like he will store it in his brain forever. If I am sad he gives me a shoulder to cry on. When I act unreasonably he calls me out on my behavior. He is somehow the holy trinity of a friend, teacher, and partner-in-crime my life has been lacking in the last 25 years of existence.

S is not perfect. Neither am I. We are perfect though. It may sound vain but in my opinion perfect is what we want it to be and this is more than anything I want. I never imagined that my expectations of a romantic partner would materialize. I never thought I am capable of being an adult in love. I thought I didn’t really deserve it anyway. What’s so special about me anyway right?

You need a lot of things in a relationship and I don’t have an exhaustive list. You might want to start with peace though. The lack of the need to overthink your partner’s actions. The absence of doubt that they do indeed want you. The comfort of knowing you always have the right to say no. The safety of being heard. The trust that you will always have someone to turn to.

Thank you, S for walking into my life and firing up the dull flame in my heart. Thank you for showing me what exactly my life needed. Thank you for rescuing me from myself. Thank you for making me braver and stronger than I ever have been. Most of all, thank you for choosing me.