Should I apologize?
I apologize a lot for one thing in my life. I have been told numerous times that I shouldn’t but my tongue has it so etched in its muscle memory that I no longer have any control there.
When my friend calls me to ask me if I can go out 30 minutes before they want to leave. When a potential date wants to know if we can video call. When someone I deeply care for tells me they are very sick. When a buddy asks if they can send me ice cream when I’m feeling the pms depression. I say sorry. Sorry to them all. Sorry, my family doesn’t know you exist. Sorry I have to meticulously plan when we have to meet. Sorry, I can’t explain why treats have arrived at 10 pm from someone. Sorry I need constant confirmation when we plan to meet. Sorry, I ran out of excuses to get out and the meter won’t reset for the next few weeks.
None of this is my fault nor is it in my control. My parents are beyond reason and I just have to live with that. I’ve accepted that they will never get it but the fact that the other people in my life also have to take the fall for it saddens me deeply. This is why I apologize. I apologize for not being there as much as I could have. For missing the drinks and hugs and dancing and cuddles. For not being your shoulder to cry on and for not making you soup when you’re sick.
My family doesn’t understand the concept of treating your friends like family. Apparently family is enough family. Too bad they will never see the beauty of a relationship created purely out of choice. One that comes with no expectations. Someone that wants to be around you just because you’re you.
I often wonder if my friends/best friends/boyfriends/girlfriends/friends with benefits will just give up on me. Maybe it’s too much effort. Maybe I’m not worth it. Maybe just texting isn’t enough. Maybe scheduling dates like meetings is not their idea of romance. This feeling though pales in comparison to the huge feeling of missing out. The late-night drives and ice cream, the home-cooked chicken, the feeling of making your friend smile after a big cry. I’m reminded of everything I’m missing when I hear stories of all the adventures people have had in their lives. Don’t get me wrong I love my life and I am very grateful for the privileges my parent have given me. It just seems like the price I’m paying for that is a little more than what’s fair. Should I be diminishing my desires just to satiate their need for their moral values to remain unquestioned? Should I be paying the price for their lack of independent thought? Should I apologize?
